OUR PROCESS: The Two Kinds of Regr
et:
One starts with a big “R” and the other starts with a little “r”.
I’ve written before about regret minimization in previous blogs. But I’ve come to realize not all regret is the same...
We have a client- we’ll call the Smith’s. Mr. and Mrs. Smith were in the office the other day and shared something with me. “We wish We had spent more time with our kids when they were little.”
They said it with real pain in their voice. I could see it in their eyes.
Like they had failed somehow.
But then I asked them a question. “What were you doing instead?”
They thought about it and said, “Working. Building a career. Saving for their college. Trying to give them a good life.”
“And did you?” I asked.
“Yes. They both graduated debt-free. They’re doing great.”
Here’s what I told the Smith’s: Not all regret is the same. There’s big “R” Regret.
These are the things we truly wish we had done differently. The times we acted out of fear. The words we didn’t say. The dreams we gave up for no good reason. Big “R” Regret means something. It points to a real mistake. It deserves our attention.
Then there’s little “r” regret. These are the things we missed because we chose something else. Not mistakes. Just trade-offs.
The Smith’s didn’t neglect their kids.
They made a choice.
They traded some time together for their future security.
That’s not a failure. That’s life.
Every choice has a cost. When you say YES to one thing, you say NO to something else.
I’ll forever regret giving up on guitar lessons when I was a teenager. But at the time, I’d rather have a car that required me to have a job after school than practice my chords.
An idea this brings to mind is “you can do anything, but you can’t do everything.”
That’s not regret. That’s math.
The problem is, we often mix these up.
We treat every missed opportunity like a mistake. We carry guilt for trade-offs that were actually good decisions at the time.
So how do you tell the difference?
Ask yourself: If I could go back, would I truly choose differently?
Or was I doing the best I could with what I had?
Big “R” Regret says: “I was wrong. I need to learn from this.”
Little “r” regret says: “I chose something else. And that was okay.”
Here’s why this matters for your financial planning:
You have choices ahead of you. Some will feel big. Some will feel scary. If you try to avoid all regret, you’ll never choose anything. You’ll stay stuck. But if you know the difference between Big “R” regret and little “r” regret, you can move forward.
Focus on avoiding Big “R” Regrets. The stuff that really matters. The trips you’ll wish you had taken. The people you’ll wish you had called. The life you’ll wish you had lived.
This is exactly the regret minimization that VFA helps our clients with.
Let go of little “r” regret. You can’t do everything. No one can.
The goal isn’t a perfect life with no regrets.
The goal is a life where you chose what matters most to you.
On purpose.
That’s enough.